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Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied

[ website | Kill Me Slowly. ]
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(no subject) [Sep. 17th, 2004|11:52 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
as some of you know, I've made a new journal.. and stop updating this one.. but some people *ahem.. thor* like to keep checking this name for updates, which well.. isn't going to happen anymore, Haha. Hi Thor! .. Hah, my new username is.. Ghettoxofab .. yeah, it's kind of a joke, but at the same time.. It works. so yeah..

And I'll end this with saying my life completely sucks..
Thanks a lot, Thor.
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2004|01:47 am]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
Wow, I have seriously just recieved the most sentimental, and heart felt email,I am ever going to get.

I know I've been all, against all guys lately, but there is one, that deserves WAY more credit than I have ever given him. I never mention him, or the things he does for and to me. I never remember to exclude him from the "I hate every boy" statements... because, he is the one boy I can always count on, no matter what. I never fully take into consideration just how lucky I am to have this boy around, and I think I ought to do that a little more often. I'm always complaining that I have no one to fall back on, and that everyone just uses me.. then leaves me to just, rot. But, I have yet to think about the two people that are, uhm... always there for me.. Ashlee and my Timmy. Without these two, I honestly do not know where I'd be. And the whole thing with Ashlee, is a rather akward story, but she has been the best friend that I girl could ever ask for, and I love her with all of my heart.

And my Timmy, oh gosh.. where do I even start? Wow, thank you Livejournal, for being the source of our introduction, though. I've known him for only a few months, but he has proven to be the one guy in my life that has yet to stab me in the back, or take me for granted. My father couldn't even do that-- he left me to fend for myself, but then, there's a boy, who lives so far away from me, that just.. makes up for every mishap in my life. And I have yet to show him just how much I care for him, and everything he's done for me.

Without him, I would have made some of the most obsurd decisions of my life, and he is just.. the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's nice to know that when you're down and somethings wrong, you have someone to turn to, constantly.. no matter what the circumstances are. Even if I don't want to listen to him at the moment, he knows what's right, and is always telling me.. And it's what I need at this point and time in my life, and I cannot be any more thanful for having him than I already am.

And I have recently come to the conclusion, that I really truly do LOVE this boy, with a passion greater than no other. I find myself wondering about him, and his whereabouts every free minute that I get. I think about the future we'll hopefully someday have, and I think about how great it is, that we've met. He has turned my life upside down, and made it so much better. He is one of the few reasons I'm still here, and I honestly don't know where I'd be without him by my side, guiding me throughout my everyday stuggles.

He's not only an awsome friend, he IS in fact, next to Ashlee, my best friend... And just, something to rely on. Something so sturdy, and you know that it will never ever fail you, or break when you need it the most.

I cannot express my feelings for him, even if I could use all the words I wanted to. The way I feel for him is just oh so strong, and I just pray and thank God for the chance to know him, and have him there for me.

But I think I need to shut up now, seeing as how no one will ever really understand the feelings that I have for this boy.. It's something so unreal, and it just feels like a fairytale.. that's all that I can say to try to explain it. It feels like I'm living a dream, and.. I'm going to wake up someday, and he'll be gone. And I hope that will never happen.. I hope he stays by my side forever, because I know that I will always continue to be here for him, despite what happens.

This is so unbelievable..
My heart truly does belong to this boy.
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2004|12:51 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
[biiiitchin |Red Is The New Black - Funeral For A Friend]

last night, I went to the football game with Sarah.

"Wow, Nicole at a football game.. But why?"

Well, I'm not one to show, even HAVE any school spirit, but it was fun, in the sense that I got to yell obscene things, and just.. be myself. It was really nice that for once, I could just let loose. A nice thing was that, I had known not one person there, besides maybe, five.. so, I didn't really care how much I embarassed myself, Because I was not trying to impress anyone. It helped me get my mind off of things, in a way.. and for about ten or fifteen minutes, I had the feeling that my life was in fact half decent. I felt good about myself, and didn't care what everyone else thought, because I was having fun, and I guess.. in the end, that is indeed all that matters. Who cares if pretty much, everyone, at the game wished they could end my life, I never really liked them anyway. :)

"and I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling, and as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,fall on your tongue like pixie dust... just think happy thoughts"

And, ef that boy. I just still can't understand how every single time I try my hardest to help someone out, or just help myself, it always turns out in.. me hurting myself or just wanting to kill myself.. I don't get how that works.. Oh well, I guess it's never going to change, so I just have to learn to live with it.

Dear everyone,

Please, won't you take advantage of me some more?
I just LOVE it, when you take me for granted, and step all over me.
I truly do.

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(no subject) [Sep. 3rd, 2004|12:23 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
[feelin |fucking shitty]

- they come whenever they want,
take what they need,
then dissapear forever.-

so, i've been having a decent life, until.. today.

the reason has been happening for a few days now, but not until today, have i realized what an asshole i am. tom has, thankfully, made me see how much of a fucking jerk i am. i'm way too caring, I care about everyone i fucking see, and i've always been that way, you need help.. I'm here. and it sucks to be this way, because I care for everyone, and everyone sees that, and knows it.. and totally takes advantage of me.

I open up for everyone, and spill my insides for everyone, no matter what. i've always been there when someone needed something.. no matter what they did to me in the past. I'm a huge sucker for sweet talkers, I guess you can say.

everyone warns me that it'll turn out this way, but do I listen? no, of course not.. because I'm Nicole, and I'm a stubborn ass bitch, who thinks she's always right. when a boy tells me, he's "different and not like the rest" I automatically believe him, and think that it's a good deal. I find someone who "likes" me, and I think.. wow, this is a once in a lifetime thing, no one ever likes ME.. so I spend my days thinking of how special I must be, for someone like HIM to like me.. then within about a week, everything falls apart, and it turns out, he never really did like me, but was just usuing me for whatever reason he had.

I have honestly never felt so disposable.
Everyone just uses me for what they need, then throw me away, and I'm never seen again to them.

I really need some major fucking help.
And I'd like to KILL just about every boy who has ever taken advantage of me, and my caring personality. I used to think caring for people was such a great thing, but it gets to a point, where.. it's just too much and too often... and it honestly needs to stop, right now.

So, as of now.. I'm going to attempt to make some uber changes in my personality and in the way I treat people. I would really just like to have the "fuck everyone" attitude, and care about nothing but, well.. myself, but I'm not going to do that because, well.. I can't. But from now on, I'm not falling so hard, so quickly. I'm actually going to try to take the time, to see what I'm "getting myself into" and such.. because, I can't take the way I am anymore. I've had enough with getting stepped on, and I honestly don't think I deserve it. I think I'm a better person than that, and think I should recieve a little more respect than what I have been given for so long.

It's times like these where I wish I could move, and start my whole life over, or just,.. well, die. Because, this life is just, too much to handle anymore.. and I'm just at the point where, I can't feel sorry for myself anymore than I already have.

Just kill me.

putrefied flesh: he's a catholic school boy what else could you think he worships someone fake and he can't even get a grasp on reality let alone on an actual person
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2004|09:04 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
911... I'm being raped!

..actually, I'm not..

everythings over.. thanks a lot..


piece of junk.
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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2004|07:59 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
life is gay,
fuck everyone.. except for my ashlee <3

i try my hardest to look out for people, and treat them with the upmost respect, and all i get in return is a whole buch of fucking shit...

i've never felt so fucking worthless in my life.
thanks a lot everyone.

the end :)
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2004|06:19 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
[biiiitchin |Avenged Sevenfold]

alright, so things are cool. fuck people that have things to say about my relationship with thor, you're fucking gay.

as of now, i'm pretty much hating everyone.. this is gay. people piss me off, to the extreme, and i'd be fine if something would happen, where i wouldn't have to deal with any of their bullshit.

oh well, everyone can seriously just fuck off anymore.
i don't even care anymore, i'm just in a shitty mood..
people are really starting to piss me off.. when they have things to say about everything, and my whole situation with him..

oh well, this is gay.
as long as I have him, i don't need anything else.

no matter what anyone has to say,
I love Thor.. and it will continue to be that way.
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God damn [Jul. 26th, 2004|01:08 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
so as of now, i have never been so scared in my life.

reading his journal, has brought so many ideas to mind. what if he's not happy with our relationship, and is going to end it? I honestly wouldn't be able to handle that. I thought we were doing good, but then.. I don't know, reading that just changed my mind on everything. He seems so unhappy, though he doesn't mention the relationship as a reason but still, he just seems like he wants to take a break from everything, and just ignore life for a while, and everything to do with it, which would obviously include myself. I really want to talk to him, because right now I'm so scared and don't know what to do.

I'm a shitty girlfriend, and I'm never there for him when he needs it..
I don't even know anymore, I've never been so scared. I don't want to lose him, and if I do.. I really just don't know.

Wow, this really sucks.
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2004|08:09 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
[biiiitchin |oldschool fuckin' underoath]

I am so in love with this boy, it is unbelievable.









                           my angel without w i n g s. <3

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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2004|07:30 pm]
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied
It's bad enough that people get jealous when two other's are in a relationship and perfectly happy.. but what's even worse, is when the jealousy is so extreme and hardcore, that they have to go behind my back and talk to him, telling him things, that are not so great, in hopes that he will break up with me. it is rather pathetic, when you are that unhappy with yourself and your life, that you can't even be happy for someone, when she finds the guy she has always been searching for.

but i guess this has all just proved how strong him and i are. despite what SHE may want to tell him, and get him to think.. we will continue to be happily together, so her pathetic attempts to ruin our relationship are nothing more than that -- PATHETIC.

it's amazing what a little bit of jealousy can to do a persons mind. it makes them act in such unhumain ways, it is crazy. sickens me to know that people are out there, who just can't be happy for anyone else, no matter what. it's not my fault that her life is full of depression and insecurties, but that's no reason to go and make lame attempts to ruin mine, that has reached an all-time high.

is it possible for anyone to actually be happy for me for once?
I don't think it is.
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